It's seems lyk me and my stupid brother is ok ... In tat sense . But I'm still not ok actually . Juz tat i nv tell him all the things. I feel lyk telling him , but I think it's no use . At the same time I wan to let him noe how I'm feeling . But I dun noe how ?! He is always not serious , even when I tell him serious stuff he also lyk dun give a damn , then wat for tell him when he is so immature . I really wonder when he will grow up seriously and be more mature ! So tat I Wun be afraid to tell him serious stuff , everything I tell him he thinks it's a joke lyk tat . Then how should I tell him so tat he can be serious and so tat I can tok it out wif him ??!! Everytime asy wan tok things out also nv say wan HTHT Also nv ! Haizz ... I really dun noe wat to say larh ! I really feel lyk telling him all these while I'm not ok actually ! I have been struggling alot ! But I Juz dun dare tell him ! And recently I also realise tat I nv call him Di alr, coz I feel weird to call him Di when he dun even call me Jie ! Whenever he call my name I will be disappointed and sad and in my heart I will say can't u Juz call me Jie ! Haizz ... I really feel tat we r no longer close . Ppl may see tat we r close but in the fact we r no longer close alr . He is closer to some other ppl, I admit tat I'm jealous ! Yes I am ! Forget it ! Wat for treat him lyk my real brother when he dun treat me the same way ?! Lyk seriously , shall leave tis aside ! See how it goes as day goes by, no point keep struggling wif tis matter ! I'm too tired alr ! I'm Juz very sad , disappointed , jealous, angry ! Basically all the negative emotions ! All these things happened also bcoz of me coz lyk I said I have nv been a gd jie to him . All my fault , Im the one to blame ! I'm putting all the wrong on myself ! Yes its my fault ! 😓 I'm srys . Really srys .
2day my stupid brother said srys to me in a Whiney way ... But I dun noe how to respond actually. I so called ignored him coz I really dun noe wat to do ! And I think he tot tat I was angry wif him but I was not, I didn't dare to tell him tat I was angry wif myself and I feel tat I'm such a useless sister to him. And blaming myself tat i did not try harder to stop him from continue gambling and I have really really failed in being his sister coz I can't even get the respect from him ! Isn't tat funny ??!! I'm his sister but he dun even listen to me ! See, how much have I failed ! =.= failed badly man ! =.= I'm seriously a useless sister , I think he only sees me as a sister tat always gets angry wif him, and being so ridiculous and unreasonable ! Yes yes , maybe he really thinks tat way ... Wat a sister am I sia ??!! Lyk seriously ! =.= maybe I'm not fit to be his sister ba, maybe the stacey will be a better sister to him, I'm Juz a petty, unreasonable sister to him, yes I think I am. I'm Juz so disappointed wif myself tat I can't even be a gd sister to him and treat him better . Yes, I have failed in tis area. I acknowledge tat I'm not a gd sister to him. I Juz wan to apologise to him, I'm srys Zachary , I not a gd jie to u , pls forgive me . Srys for always being so petty and unreasonable . Perhaps I have nv give in my best . I'm really srys Zachary ! 😓
It's been so long ever since I blog . I think now is a gd time to blog ba . I'm having lots of feelings rite now .... Tis few days some things happened . Lyk 2day went to visit my 姑姑 , and my dad and her wife was thr , and when I reach my 姑姑 hse I saw a very small boyy , and I asked my mum hu is he and my mum told me tat it was my dad's son ! 😓 at tat point I did not say anything but in my heart I was angry I guess .. I was shock too , and the boyy was lyk 1 year old plus .. And I didn't noe anything until I saw him 2day ! Actually I was confuse too ... I also dun noe y ??!! Lots of feelings Juz came in ... Haizz .. I think I was jealous too .. Hmmmm .... Ok, shall not elaborate anymore . Yesterday I was lyk damn angry wif my stupid brother ! Seriously he is damn stubborn ! I told him not to gamble alr he still insist ! I seriously dun noe wat is his problem ! And in the end he really lost ! And I was rite ! =.= but he still continue ! ARGH ! tat makes me more angry ! But when I think thru again instead of being angry wif him I was angry wif myself instead coz I'm at fault too ... Coz I did not try my best to persuade him to stop, and I also realise tat actually I dun have tat much of authority to let him listen to me and gain the respect from him even though I am his so call " Jie " all along I tot he would listen to me coz I am his " Jie " but yesterday I realise I dun have tat much power to let him listen to me . And it really makes me think tat I really have failed in being his Jie. Coz I can't even gain the basic respect form him ! Then wat for be his Jie rite ?! And I also realise tat he also nv call me Jie alr , everytime I feel lyk telling him tat for such a long time he have not been calling me Jie alr but I Juz dun dare to tell him. I really miss him calling me Jie . And tat time on twitter I saw him calling Stacey Jie , and I got jealous coz he did not even call me Jie anymore but he called other ppl Jie . Tis is so disappointing but I did tell him a single thing bout tis and I did not tell him how I felt also , actually he also lied to me , he told me tat Stacey was his cousin ! =.= it's all bullshit can ! And I really believed ! Until Edna told me tat they r not cousins ! I felt so cheated ! I was lyk ... Y must he lie to me tat they r cousins ??!! Y can't Juz tell me tat Stacey is his Jie ??!! Y must he lie to me ??!! Although Im angry wif him bout tis thing I also did not tell him. I Juz kept everything to myself . and all tis things Juz proved tat I really have failed in being his Jie, I'm not a gd Jie to him actually , I also feel tat our brother - sister ship is getting further and further apart. Although he feels tat everything it's ok , but to me everything it's not ok . But I dun have the courage to tell him all these things and how I'm feeling coz I think tat he will not care ba or after I tell him everything he will Juz Orh . So I really find no point telling him. I Juz feeling sad , angry, disappointed wif myself ! Y can't I be a better Jie to him ??!! I really tried to be one but perhaps I did not try harder. So how can I be a better Jie to him ??!! I really have no clue. Perhaps I need a break .. 😓 I'm Juz too tired ... Think I'm breaking down soon ... 😭
LIKE A FIRE .
Like a fire shut up in my bones
I want the world to know You are God
With a passion burning deep within
I want the world to know that You live
Let Your presence come and saturate
Every part of me, make me new
Let Your Spirit come and move within
Fill me once again 'cause I need more
Jesus I'm desperate for You
Jesus I'm hungry for You
Jesus I'm longing for You
'Cause Lord You are all I want
Come like a flood and saturate me now
You're all I want
Come like the wind and sweep throughout this place
You're all we want
love tis sone alot , super nice :) hehes ^.^
I really feel tat I have failed being his Jie. I really think tat all my concerns for him he dun even give a damn. Maybe he thinks tat I'm Juz trying to be a busybody, keep asking him is he ok. I think he also got irritated. Nvm ... I alr told him tat I not going to care bout him anymore lerh, wat he wan to do he will do and wat he wan to say he will say, and anything happens to him next time he also dun need to tell me, I dun have the rites to noe, it's his life not mine, wat for be a busybody ! I think he will be more than happy tat i dun have to care bout him anymore. Maybe tat is wat he wants so i Juz grand him his wish. And I also really tired alr, dun feel lyk caring alr, very tired of it ! Everytime the same thing happens, nv change ! He every time say he will change but he did not . Not Juz him, I also did not change so I'm also at fault. Everytime I will get disappointed when he did the mistake again and again when he said he would change, I think I lyk forcing him to change, and he feel forced too . So I think from now on . He wan to do wat he will do, or wateva things he wan say, scolding vulgarities, he will say. I'm not going to do anything anymore, IM REALLY TIRED OF ALL THESE ALR ! He dun wan change I also can't force him and stop him. Sometimes I really ask myself y I treat him so gd when he always treat me so bad and still dote him lyk nobody's business ?? Am I crazy or wat ??!! But wateva he do I still love him and also dote him . Coz I noe tat i really treated him as my real brother. And if I'm his Jie , I will not hate him or wat but still give my best to him even if he treat me not very gd, maybe i should not treat him so gd anymore coz he is taking me for granted and throwing my care and concern to one side. Sometimes he say and do things tat will hurt me but I still forgive him coz I will not hold any grudges against my own brother. Whether he mean it anot, I still forgive, but he always nv learn his lesson, over and over again he hurt me. Haizz .... Really sick and tired alr ! Forgive, forgive and forgive, say , say and say , nag , nag and nag ! Everything Juz go in one ear and come out from the other ear . I seriously say until I dun wan say Liao ! perhaps I need some time to cool down and reflect all these while y am I doing so much for him ??!! Or should I Juz let go of tis brother tat I really love and dote so much, in other words to end our brother-sister ship. Should I ??!! I really need to think thru I dun noe ... Okok , shall end here...
Almost 1 week of Skool only , and I'm feeling the stress ! Scary sia ! Lots of things need to catch up , higher expectation from the teachers, Haizz ! =.= I scared I can't cope well, coz I got more responsibilities tis year, I'm afraid tat I will mess up everything :( hopefully I Wun. But I noe tat God will still be thr to help me and hold me by the right hand ! Thx God , pls come and assure me again :)
Studying my physics now. Juz doing revision for wat I have learn for 2day lesson. Hahas. Here is some things tat I have memorised :
SOLID :
- have fixed shape and volume.
- usually hard and rigid; a larger force is needed to change its shape.
- High density.
- incompressible.
LIQIUD :
- have fixed volume but no fixed shape.
- high density.
- incompressible.
GAS :
- have no fixed volume and fixed shape.
- low density.
- compressible.
Yeah ! I memorised it by hard alr ! I got to start gearing myself lerh. Study bit by bit so wun so stress. Hahas. I think if I continue lyk tis I will be able to do well if I consistantly do my revision ! Juz got to discipline myself ! yunhan jiayous ! :)
